Everything's going to be fine.
Friday, July 25
Gotta love 'em: the Foxiest news around:
As many sound and revealing theories as have been proposed over the past year to explain France's confounding geopolitical behavior, they've all missed something fundamental.
The country's less than Western, less than ally-like stances would have seemed less baffling if we hadn't started from a wrong premise: Namely, that France is a member of the civilized world.
(Is there anyone else in the world who remembers the Ventura Amiga User Exchange and their Killer Demo Contest? No, probably not.)
Friday, July 11
Everyone knows that these are the end times. The signs are everywhere: crazed squirrels, giant squid, Frank... The only question is which force of evil is going to do us in first.
Having done my own research, I've come to a different conclusion to many of the recent Apocolypse scholars. After its recent forfeit, Planet X has been relegated to the little league of doom, but I think it's up to something.
First, of course, it's no-show is itself suspicious. No better way to catch your enemy unawares than to not turn up at all!
Second is this news report from... Well, alright, from France:
Pluto, the smallest and most distant planet in our solar system, has revealed a strange phenomenon to astronomers. Instead of shrinking as the planet moves away from the Sun, Pluto's atmosphere has grown bigger.Bigger, eh? Something funny going on there. And since Pluto is the ninth planet and right next door to Planet X, it's a perfect staging post for their nefarious activities.
The timing is itself ominous:
Unfortunately, neither team will be able to continue their investigation of this strange phenomenon in the near future. Pluto occultations are few and difficult to predict because the planetÂ¹s orbit is not well known.So, if it wasn't for this lucky chance, we wouldn't have known anything until too late!
"There are no further Pluto events this year," says Person. "There are a few candidates coming in the next few years but no certain ones."
Now we all know where atmospheres come from. That's right, trees. So the next step is to check to see if there have been any reports of trees acting odd. And indeed there have:
Scientists who set out to gauge the impact of urban pollutants on trees have made a surprising discovery â€” trees planted near New York City's congested mean streets actually grow twice as large as their rural counterparts.Giant urban-adapted trees! How evil is that!
Fortunately, the researchers discovered the mutant trees' fatal weakness:
Later experiments in controlled settings found the same trees, when exposed to high levels of ozone, indeed grew half as large.
NASA to the Rescue?
The one plan that might help is NASA's Pluto fly-by mission, called New Horizons, which has been pencilled in, then cancelled, on a number of occasions. Currently this is due to launch during 2006, encountering Pluto about a decade later.Clearly what we need to do is equip this baby with an Ozone Bomb and wipe out the Plutonian Mutant Tree Menace for good.
I urge all my readers to write to their congresscritters today in support of NASA's bold plan.
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