Dear Santa, thank you for the dolls and pencils and the fish. It's Easter now, so I hope I didn't wake you but... honest, it is an emergency. There's a crack in my wall. Aunt Sharon says it's just an ordinary crack, but I know its not cause at night there's voices so... please please can you send someone to fix it? Or a policeman, or...
Back in a moment.
Thank you Santa.

Uncherished Beliefs

Over on the JREF (James Randi Educational Foundation) forums, a challenge was posted to create an idea so outlandish that no-one would believe it.  Given the existence of Time Cube, this is not an easy proposition, but here's what I was able to come up with.

Truth in a 4-Koma

Calvin and Hobbes is the real world. What we perceive as reality is merely a dim reflection of it. Bill Watterson is a being from the fifth dimension sent to break the truth to us gently.

The Real Reason

Belgium is not a real country; it's a facade to hide the entrance to the hollow Earth at the North Pole. (The icy mass commonly regarded as the North Pole is just to throw people off the track.) This is why the French invaded in 1795, and the Germans invaded in 1914 and again in 1940.

The same goes for Hawaii, which is really the South Pole, directly opposite Belgium on the globe (globes and maps are altered to hide this). The place you visit when you go to "Hawaii" is really a special facility in southern Nevada.

We All Know Who Won That War

All people and animals should only eat meat, because plants are reincarnations of our past lives and thus held holy. (Milk and eggs are okay too, of course.) The reason that Christians take wine and bread as their holy sacrament is not to represent the blood and body of Christ, but because Jesus was a raisin loaf.

A major schism in Loafianity occurred in 1647 between those who abhorred chocolate and coffee and those who considered the beans to be "a particular variety of beetle". The ensuing war resulted in the destruction of Atlantis.

Einstein vs. Tesla

i. Victoria's Other Secret

Einstein's fourth great work - the one he really got the Nobel Prize for - was Extra Special Relativity, which explains that there are not three but six dimensions of space: length, width, height, other, thingy, and Tyra Banks. While scientists of the early 20th century appreciated the enormity of his discovery (particularly once they worked out how to take pictures of the Tyra Banks dimension), the theory was hushed up when it was realised that this meant that there was eleven quintillion square miles of available real estate in Manhattan alone, and that if word got out the property market would immediately collapse.

This also explains where Carrot Top comes from.

ii. The Least-Known President

Nikola Tesla's role in politics and science is often overlooked. Though he was elected President of the United States three times (dying in office in 1943, to be succeeded by his Vice President, Franklin D. Roosevelt), his greatest contributions came in the field of physics with his Reflective (1923) and Transgressive (1928) Theories of Relativity.

These theories hold that there is but one dimension of space, and three dimensions of time; our normal perceptions are an illusion that subtly inverts the nature of reality. Under Transgressive Relativity, years are the equivalent of nation-states strung out along a line, each independent and subject to its own set of physical laws. We can, if we but free ourselves of social conditioning, transfer our consciousnesses back and forth between these states.

Meanwhile, the effects of events in one dimensional space spread out across three-dimensional time at the speed of light. Thus, for example, the drawing of a particular set of lottery numbers in Melbourne on Thursday night guarantees that those numbers will not appear on a ticket I bought in Sydney on Wednesday morning.

That Blip in Your Readings

Fairies are real, but their numbers have dwindled since the invention of distillation since they readily succumb to alcoholism. Their presence is detectable by an absorption peak at around 320nm in UV spectrometry.^*

Geostrology

The stars have no effect on our lives; they are too far away and their influence too small to be measured. The real truth is much closer to home: the very stones beneath our feet. Continental drift means that these stones are always in motion, so the effect is different for everyone, but modern science allows us to make the calculations necessary to predict your future in astonishing detail.

All you need to know is the latitude, longitude, and altitude of your birth... to twelve decimal places.

The Secret of the Pineal Gland Revealed!

Our brains are not the source of our conscious minds, but merely the receptors of thoughts and conveyors of perceptions, carried by a newly discovered baryon (known as "Dave") to the real font of awareness, i.e. velvet ants. Don't eat them. You never know who it might be.

The Real Real Truth About International Politics

Steven Colbert is the legitimate King of France, tracing his line through Leopold I of Belgium to Charlemagne. You can tell this by the fact that he has six fingers on his left hand, though this is digitally edited out of his television broadcasts. Because of this, the French Government censors any references to Colbert in all forms of media. If you attempt to enter France carrying a DVD or video tape, regardless of content, it will be taken from you and destroyed. France even invented its own television system to assist in this process, known as "SECAM", the System to Exclude Colbert from All Media.

You can easily confirm this by accosting any Frenchman on the streets of Paris, and asking him what he thinks about Steven Colbert's latest show. His puzzled expression will tell you everything you need to know.

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