You know when grown-ups tell you everything's going to be fine, and you think they're probably lying to make you feel better?
Everything's going to be fine.

Saturday, December 30


Valerian And The Movie Of A Thousand Hours

This is not a great film.

It's not a terrible film, though.

It's rather pretty.  The script is dumb, but then The Fifth Element's script was extremely dumb and that was great.

The problems are the lead actor, who is dull as dishwater, and the utter lack of any sense of humour.  Fifth Element excelled in both.  

The action set-pieces are well done and the environments are great, but the moment it slows down you realise there is no there there.

If, like me, you are in the mood for something pretty and have a 99¢ Google Play movie rental handy, worth a shot, but otherwise entirely missable.

Also, nitpick, but - the City is seven hundred million miles from Earth?  That's closer than Saturn.  It's not much further away than Perth.

Update: Watched the last interminable forty minutes.  The best part of the movie was Rihanna as the shape-changing alien dancer Bubble.  She should have been the male lead.  Seriously, that would have been an amazing film.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 01:15 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Post contains 176 words, total size 1 kb.

Sunday, September 03


Captain America: Civil War

I hadn't seen it before because it sounded tedious and stupid.

It is.

And I'm saying "stupid" in the context of a film series where past outings have included a giant flying alien mecha-snake as the chief villain.

This is a charmless, joyless, tiresome piece of crap; four hours of unlikable characters throwing the idiot ball back and forth.

At least it was on Netflix.

One star for.... No. Zero stars. Avoid.

I went back and watched the first hour of The Avengers. While it's also overlong and flabby with an indifferent plot, the dialog, characterisation, and action sequences are on an entirely different level to Civil War. Avengers is a fun film with some significant flaws; Civil War is drudgery.

The Avengers:
Steve Rogers: I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here.
Bruce Banner: I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats. You can smell crazy on him.
Thor: Have a care how you speak! Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard and he is my brother!
Natasha Romanoff: He killed eighty people in two days.
Thor: He's adopted.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 04:57 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Post contains 203 words, total size 2 kb.

Monday, August 11


License to Blog

The Story So Far

Pixy Misa, an undercover agent working for the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, Sages, Luminaries and Other Professional Thinking Persons, is directed by his boss, Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit, to infiltrate Frnak's Fortress of Drakness. Pixy's disguise as a heron is successful until he inadvertantly corrects Frnak's grammar.

Pixy is captured by Frnak's Heron Corps and taken for interrogation, where he is surprised to learn that Frnak's Chief Interrogatorer is none other than his friend Susie, a nice girl with a penchant for heavy weapons. Susie, it seems, has been abducted by Frnak's minions, brainwashed, and turned into a heron - although possibly not in that order.

Pixy frees Susie from captivity, and together they flee the Fortress on board a UFO. This UFO is of an odd design: its course is controlled by a huge vending machine which takes up most of the craft's interior. Fortunately, Susie is familiar with this design, having previously averted an alien invasion of Earth by ordering a can of Dr Pepper, which apparently diverted the entire fleet to Puerto Rico, where it was unable to refuel.

Due to a snack-related accident, Pixy and Susie shortly find themselves on Mars, which they discover is being used as a forward base for a renewed invasion by the Moon Men, who are now in the service of Frnak. Susie saves the day by reducing the Moon Men to small piles of ash. Susie finds a menu for the vending machine, which turns out to be written in phonetic Greek, which Pixy is able to read. Sort of.

The pair return in haste to the InstaBase in Knoxville, taking a forced detour via Rome, Kentucky, since there is no Greek letter for V. There they learn that the InstaPundit has been replaced by a robot. (Which, it seems, runs CP/M.) We learn - though our heroes do not - that this and other RoboBloggers are part of a malevolent scheme launched by the evil Frnak.

Susie's flamethrower makes short work of the Electronic Pundit, and the two return to Susie's home at Practical Penumbra to regroup. There, they discover that Susie has also been replaced by a robot. The SusieBot stuffs Susie head first into her own main template, but Susie is rescued by Pixy who wipes the Bot's boot program.

Meanwhile in Florida, a growing crowd of bloggers, forced by Frnak's nanotechnology into the shape of water birds, has broken free of their mindwashing and is planning escape. Led by Tiger, who contructs a bomb using only hard-boiled eggs and velveeta, the bloggers, still in bird shape, pair off and take to the skies in the Moon Men's fleet of UFOs.

Now the story continues in episode 17: License to Blog

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:52 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Post contains 464 words, total size 3 kb.


Spam Trek

Tuning Spork presents his six-part series: Spam Trek.

Will the madness never end? Will I manage to think of a plot for episode 17? Tune in next week...

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 01:03 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Post contains 32 words, total size 1 kb.

Sunday, August 10


The Blogging Daylights

We still haven't been able to track down the whereabouts of episode 15 of The Blogfather, so we'll move straight on to episode 16: The Blogging Daylights.

A kimchee vending machine? The mind boggles.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 08:38 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Post contains 40 words, total size 1 kb.


Fragulate This!

Well, I was expecting to be bringing you episode 15 of The Blogfather, but something went wrong somewhere and so you're all going to have to Fragulate This! instead.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 01:32 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Post contains 33 words, total size 1 kb.

Saturday, August 09


The Making of The Blogfather

Tuning Spork has salvaged some discarded footage from the production of The Blogfather and used it to produce a unique look behind the scenes.

My life is now complete.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 05:06 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Post contains 39 words, total size 1 kb.

Friday, August 08


Doctor Blog

In Episode 14 of The Blogfather: Doctor Blog, Glenn Reynolds discovers that it isn't easy being a heron. Also, the real reason behind the recent lack of Bleatage.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 08:38 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Post contains 32 words, total size 1 kb.


For Your Blog Only

Everything becomes clear - or at least, slightly less murky - in Episode 13 of The Blogfather: For Your Blog Only.

Not actually appearing in this film are Mickey Kaus, Andrew Sullivan, Eugene Volokh, Michele of A Small Victory, and Dave Barry.

Newcomers can find the rest of the series here.

Meanwhile, Susie (or possibly her robot twin, it's hard to tell) reports on the latest bloggers to fall victim to D.Film.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:49 AM | No Comments | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Post contains 80 words, total size 1 kb.

Thursday, August 07


You Only Blog Twice

Today's episode of The Blogfather, number, um, twelve, is called You Only Blog Twice.

And you thought James Lileks' server had crashed! Only Ambient Irony brings you the real story!

Don't forget my Blurb Contest! You too can appear in a poorly-conceived cartoon dressed as a heron! C'mon, who else offers you that sort of opportunity?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:49 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Post contains 64 words, total size 1 kb.

<< Page 1 of 2 >>
56kb generated in CPU 0.0195, elapsed 0.1701 seconds.
58 queries taking 0.1564 seconds, 134 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.
Using http / / 132